There can be times when ones relationships are free from problems and then there can be moments when this is not the case. One could also be in a position where this is the only thing they know and they have never experienced relationships that have flowed.
Conflict is then something they have been accustomed to and while
conflict is not always negative, if it’s the only thing that one has
known, it is going to be. To live a life where there is only agreement
and an absence of conflict can sound appealing, but it doesn’t reflect
No matter how close someone is or how long they have known each
other for, it doesn’t mean that they will always agree with each other.
Now, this doesn’t mean that it has to spiral out of control and turn
into abuse or violence.
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Each person can own their experience as opposed to getting into
finger pointing and therefore, renouncing responsibility. When someone
says that they never experience conflict and everything is fine, they
could be telling the truth and at the same time, it could mean that
they’re living in denial.
Their problems are then being repressed and one is then out of touch
with themselves. In the short term this might be the easiest option,
but as time passes, the consequences could be severe.
When one takes responsibility for how they feel and are open to the
part that they may be playing in what is taking place, it will create
the opportunity for growth. This could relate to their growth as an
individual, the other persons growth and to the growth of the
And at the same time, the other person might not be open to looking
at what needs to change and so, the only person who benefits is oneself.
The other person resists the change and ends up staying as they are
and this is likely to mean that the relationship will come to an end.
However, while one can change themselves, they can’t change other
people. And if another person is not open to feedback or willing to talk
about what is creating conflict, one is going to need to accept it.
When feelings are involved, it is not easy to accept the fact that
another person’s is unwilling to change. And so it is only natural to
persist, even though nothing it is going to change. At least one can
walk away knowing that they played their part.
To take responsibility for how one feels and to accept that one is
not just an observer of what is taking place in a relationship is a sign
of maturity and self awareness. As a result of this, there is then no
reason why one can’t experience relationships that are fulfilling and
However, if one doesn’t own how they feel and believes they are just
observing what is taking place, then it is going to be a lot harder for
them to experience relationships that are fulfilling and life
This can cause one to believe that they have it all together and
that the other person is the problem. And while this can stop one from
having to look in the mirror, it can cause them to stay stuck.
It could also cause one to feel like a victim and that they have no
control when it comes to their relationships. One is then helpless and
there is no way for them to have the kind of relationship/s that they
More Than An Observer
If one continues to experience the same problems, then it is a sign
that they need to look within themselves. As human beings, we play a
part in what we experience and then our mind observes what is taking
And if one is out of touch with their body, they can end up
believing that they have played no part in what is showing up and that
they are simply the observers of their reality. But while the people
they meet are different, the person who keeps showing up is oneself.
If one reflects on the kind of relationships they have had and are
still having, they might begin to notice a number of patterns. For
example, one might find that they attract people who are emotionally
unavailable, self centred and/or needy, among other things.
When one has a pattern of attracting people are emotionally
unavailable, then there is a strong chance that they are not emotionally
available either. If one attracts people who are self centred, this
could be a sign that one doesn’t feel comfortable with their own needs
and believes that other peoples needs are more important.
And the reason one attracts people who are needy is likely to be the
result of them being disconnected from their own neediness. The
neediness of others is then an externalisation of what they have denied
So blaming others might be something one is used to, but if the same
people keep showing up, it is going to be important for one to look
within themselves. This is likely to be more painful in the short term,
but the long term benefits will outweigh the short term pain.
Here one might need the assistance of a therapist or a healer, or
some kind of coach. Reading up about relationships will also give one
the chance to see why they attract the people they do and why the same
problems continually appear.
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