Sunday, 26 May 2019

Start Making Self Respecting Choices and Stop Being Needy

Do you know that neediness hijacks the mind and causes one to make choices based on feelings of insecurity, fears of being abandoned or rejected, jealousy, etc.? Do you know this not only makes one feel and appear unattractive it also leaves them feeling out of control and unable to discern whether their choices are actually good ones?
Do you know that means a "needy" person is not in control of themselves or the kind partners they seem to repeatedly find themselves with? Do you know that the only type of person who is willing to accept a needy person is "another" needy person?
Do you know that means needy individuals invariably find themselves in unhealthy relationships that only disappoint and re-traumatise? So is there a way out of this trap? Absolutely!
The way out of this may both astonish and create scepticism so I ask that you be patient and open to what follows because it may be the only thing between where you are now and the possibility of ever realising a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
The way out is to a) realise that neediness is not a normal or natural human trait and b) to totally delete it from within.
Now until you are able to realise the above it will be essentially impossible to accept that it is in fact the truth.


For instance the need for:
Love, Validation, Acceptance, Appreciation, Intimacy, Care taking, Understanding, Attention, Etc. are responsible for what many refer to as co-dependent relationship patterns.
Individuals who harbour such (and other related) needs are not "whole" rather they find themselves feeling deficient and "in need" of those qualities. The problem is that they have been made to believe that those qualities reside in and can only be supplied to them by others.
As I think you can see this leaves them in a dependent and desperate position where they are constantly having to secure someone else's presence, attention, love, understanding, validation, etc. simply in order to feel momentarily secure and content.
The key word there is "momentary" because as soon as the other must attend to something else the person in question immediately returns to feeling insecure, anxious, etc.
So what does this person tend to do? Well, resort to desperate behaviours that often involve needy, controlling and manipulative strategies to get the other person back.
This is what many refer to as "addictive" behaviours.

So how sustainable and attractive are such strategies?
So if I have convinced you that neediness is both destructive and self destructive and you would like to take the first step to becoming a free, whole and self sufficient person then simply place one hand over your Heart, and as if you are speaking from there simply repeat the following to yourself:
"I recognise that neediness in any form is destructive to me and my relationships and I want in my Heart to begin to wake up from this trance of neediness, become a free, empowered, emotionally independent, self sufficient and whole person."
Now take a moment and reflect on how you are feeling inside.  Although this is only an initial exercise in empowerment often individuals are surprised by feelings emerging from within that they can't explain.  For instance one might begin to feel some of the following: an expansion in the chest area, feelings of peace, quiet, stillness, lightness, joy, relief, fullness, clarity, strength, resilience, etc.
If you feel any of the above and you like this kindly affirm it to yourself again as if you are speaking from the Heart and it will grow stronger.
This is the experience of greater consciousness, wakefulness, presence, discernment and inner truth surging up within you. It is the source of clarity and self trust that supports one in all positive self respecting decisions.


Wednesday, 20 March 2019

How to Handle the End of Your Long-Term Relationship

It's never easy, especially when you've built your lives around each other and you thought it would last forever.  Before you end a long-term relationship, make sure you've done all you can to salvage it. In addition to solution-based communication (rather than just complaining) and counseling.

Totally commit to doing all you can for physical and spiritual self-improvement, such as daily exercise, avoiding processed foods and sugar, and regular meditation. This will help you realize the best in both of you, which may bring you closer together. If not, you'll be able to part on friendlier terms. If your partner is not willing to participate, it may be another indication that it's over.

Next, be absolutely certain before you end a long-term relationship.

Once you are certain it's over, here's how not to end a long-term relationship:

1) Cheat--If you do this it will just cause more conflict and everyone will blame the demise of your relationship on infidelity, which is often only a symptom of the other problems. That aside, it's interesting that few people ever blame the end of a long-term relationship on strict monogamy.

2) Delay ending the relationship because you don't want to hurt him. It will just be more difficult the longer you wait.

3) Be a jerk, hoping she will dump you. This creates even more problems.

4) Fail to communicate about the problems.

5) Pretend everything is fine and then leave without any explanation. This is cowardly, unfair to your ex, and will cause you negative karma.

How to end a long-term relationship, when you are ready to make the announcement:

1) Choose the right time and place.

2) Be direct, yet polite and compassionate, even if he is not. Avoid criticizing and blaming. You don't want to create any negative karma in the process of leaving (the act of breaking-up itself does not).

3) Remind her that you've done all you can, you two are not compatible enough for a relationship, it's best to move on, and that if you remain together, it will prevent you both from finding people who are more compatible.

Now that you have a better idea about how to end a long-term relationship, you can help your partner and yourself do so in the best way possible.

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Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Do You Always Blame Other People For Your Relationship Problems?

 There can be times when ones relationships are free from problems and then there can be moments when this is not the case. One could also be in a position where this is the only thing they know and they have never experienced relationships that have flowed.

Conflict is then something they have been accustomed to and while conflict is not always negative, if it’s the only thing that one has known, it is going to be. To live a life where there is only agreement and an absence of conflict can sound appealing, but it doesn’t reflect reality.
No matter how close someone is or how long they have known each other for, it doesn’t mean that they will always agree with each other. Now, this doesn’t mean that it has to spiral out of control and turn into abuse or violence.


Each person can own their experience as opposed to getting into finger pointing and therefore, renouncing responsibility. When someone says that they never experience conflict and everything is fine, they could be telling the truth and at the same time, it could mean that they’re living in denial.
Their problems are then being repressed and one is then out of touch with themselves. In the short term this might be the easiest option, but as time passes, the consequences could be severe.

When one takes responsibility for how they feel and are open to the part that they may be playing in what is taking place, it will create the opportunity for growth. This could relate to their growth as an individual, the other persons growth and to the growth of the relationship.
And at the same time, the other person might not be open to looking at what needs to change and so, the only person who benefits is oneself. The other person resists the change and ends up staying as they are and this is likely to mean that the relationship will come to an end.

However, while one can change themselves, they can’t change other people. And if another person is not open to feedback or willing to talk about what is creating conflict, one is going to need to accept it.
When feelings are involved, it is not easy to accept the fact that another person’s is unwilling to change. And so it is only natural to persist, even though nothing it is going to change. At least one can walk away knowing that they played their part.

The Opposite
To take responsibility for how one feels and to accept that one is not just an observer of what is taking place in a relationship is a sign of maturity and self awareness. As a result of this, there is then no reason why one can’t experience relationships that are fulfilling and life affirming.
However, if one doesn’t own how they feel and believes they are just observing what is taking place, then it is going to be a lot harder for them to experience relationships that are fulfilling and life affirming.

Two Sides
This can cause one to believe that they have it all together and that the other person is the problem. And while this can stop one from having to look in the mirror, it can cause them to stay stuck.
It could also cause one to feel like a victim and that they have no control when it comes to their relationships. One is then helpless and there is no way for them to have the kind of relationship/s that they want.

More Than An Observer
If one continues to experience the same problems, then it is a sign that they need to look within themselves. As human beings, we play a part in what we experience and then our mind observes what is taking place.
And if one is out of touch with their body, they can end up believing that they have played no part in what is showing up and that they are simply the observers of their reality. But while the people they meet are different, the person who keeps showing up is oneself.

If one reflects on the kind of relationships they have had and are still having, they might begin to notice a number of patterns. For example, one might find that they attract people who are emotionally unavailable, self centred and/or needy, among other things.
When one has a pattern of attracting people are emotionally unavailable, then there is a strong chance that they are not emotionally available either. If one attracts people who are self centred, this could be a sign that one doesn’t feel comfortable with their own needs and believes that other peoples needs are more important.
And the reason one attracts people who are needy is likely to be the result of them being disconnected from their own neediness. The neediness of others is then an externalisation of what they have denied within themselves.

So blaming others might be something one is used to, but if the same people keep showing up, it is going to be important for one to look within themselves. This is likely to be more painful in the short term, but the long term benefits will outweigh the short term pain.
Here one might need the assistance of a therapist or a healer, or some kind of coach. Reading up about relationships will also give one the chance to see why they attract the people they do and why the same problems continually appear.


Wednesday, 7 December 2016

Trying To Remain "Friends" With Your Ex?


Holding on to a failed relationship in the guise that you want him as a friend is in no way a wrong thing to do but the fact that you know it cannot be salvaged and you still hold on to a man who probably has moved on is an injustice to yourself and your love life. Every woman hopes to meet a man who would understand her, appreciate her, love and care for her for the rest of her life but this is not always the case. For one reason or another, you have had a relationship breakdown and the only option was for the both of you to go your separate ways. But out of hope on a possible reconciliation and a makeup, you chose to remain friends with your ex and have him hang around. There’s a danger in this and most women are not even aware of what danger this possess to them.

Having an ex or a past fling hanging around, hoping things could get back to how they were is not entirely a bad idea, after all there is a possibility that you could get back together and work out your differences. But, sometimes, it would not work out like this. Rather than looking up ahead and forging a better life for yourself, you’d still hang on to what is left with this guy, hoping on an ever fading hope of reconciliation. While you are at it, you may be missing your opportunity of meeting a better guy- your Mr. Right. Because you still have this person around, your chance of meeting your Mr. Right becomes diminished. 
You need to understand that obviously your ex may not be coming back and no matter the strategies you use, it is over between the both of you completely. You have to let him go and give other people a chance. Yes, you may have truly loved your ex, you gave your soul, body and heart to him and because of the deep affection you had for him, you have found it difficult to let go. It is time to start breaking off those bonds otherwise you would be stuck with loving someone who would never be with you.

Past flings and Ex’s should be confined to a phase of your life –in the past. You need to get back to living your life and enjoying it. Get out and do things that would clear your mind off these people. Start chasing your career if you weren’t and if you were, it’s time to take it to the next level. Spend time at the gym, Engage in community service, visit the poor and orphaned and give them support. Get busy doing things that would distract your mind from the thoughts of these failed relationships. It is even when you are doing these that your Mr. Right would come around.

Bear in mind that Mr. Right is not going to be Mr. Perfect. You need to be cautious so you don’t repeat the mistakes of your previous relationships. You know the things you did wrong then or tolerated from your ex then. You wouldn’t want a repeat this time. So set boundaries so you both know what you want out of the relationship. Now that you have a better experience, you are better suited to handle your love life.


Saturday, 6 August 2016

How NOT to Ruin Your Lovelife When Mature Dating


There’s nothing wrong with being single, or having a non-traditional relationship. No matter what your love life status, here are some love life tips you can use year-round to make the most of it.
1) Accept how your love life is right now. This isn’t easy, so you’ll have to repeatedly remind yourself, especially when it seems like your circumstances couldn’t get worse. Once you accept being single or your relationship as it is, it will be easier to cherish the good things about your situation, and sometimes that will encourage change for the better.

2) Accept that you don’t need someone else to make you happy. You are all you need, believe it or not. Once you understand this, a relationship becomes an added bonus rather than a narcotic drug you can’t live without. Love addicts experience the crash and yearning for more far more often than the high. 

3) Learn to not care about what other people think about your love life. It’s really none of their business. Do what makes you happy, even if it’s not the norm. If you don’t, you’ll have regrets at the end of your life. 

4) Don’t fall for the “one and only soul mate” lie. Some love life experts claim to have the key to finding “the one,” “your twin soul,” and other fanciful love life goals. We’ve found through our years of empirical research that everyone has many soul mates, and most of them are not meant to result in a life-long, blissful relationship. 

5) Don’t fall for the “together forever” fantasy. Sure, it’s possible, and in rare cases couples do grow old together without great suffering and sacrifices that make them die inside. 
Unfortunately, most couples who commit at a very young age find that they’re not compatible enough for a traditional relationship after five, ten, or twenty years. Couples in prior generations had to remain together due to sociological and economical reasons. Today, singles and couples have more options, and that’s a good thing. The length of a relationship isn’t important; what you learn and the love you give is. 

6) Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t have an ideal relationship, the type of love life that some celebrities seem to have as described in the media. Like an airbrushed photo, what they present to the world and the reality might be two different things. In fact, in some cases, you might be shocked to know the truth about the relationship. 

7) Consider karma and fate. Even if you use your free will to do all you can to improve your love life, and you should, things won’t always go as you hope due to the ever-present laws of karma and fate. This doesn’t mean you’re being punished, but it might mean that you’re going through a learning phase now for a more wonderful love experience later. 

8) Lighten up and relax! It’s so easy to get caught up in your routine and be stressed out from the responsibilities of life. But if you don’t take “me time” to relax, rejuvenate, and become centered, whether it’s through meditation or other ways, it’s more difficult to present your best, beautiful self to your partner or a new potential love interest.


Mature Dating - Perfect Your Online Dating Profile

Online Dating can be a very rewarding experience, but also at times an extremely daunting one. No matter how confident or professionally successfully you are, signing up to a dating site is a scary prospect. Perhaps one of the biggest worries is how to portray yourself effectively in so few lines?

Your online dating profile can be as important as a photo in attracting perspective dates, but how do you sum yourself up accurately and impressively in so few words? Luckily following these few simple tips can make this process a lot easier for you and make your dating experience a whole lot more successful.

Mature Online Dating - UK
Mature Online Dating - South Africa

  1. Be Positive! It is essential to be positive in your approach to online dating and in how you represent yourself. Negativity is a turn off, so in your profile talk about things you love not hate, and how excited you are to be joining a online dating  service, not how nervous or apprehensive you maybe.
  2. Be Unique! There will be thousands of profiles out there; many will be very similar and typical. Make yours stand out from the crowd, don't worry about putting the odd person off, you'll attract much more interest through your individuality and uniqueness.
  3. Use Examples – When describing yourself, don't just say that you like films, say what films you like. If you like reading, what books do you like? If you describe yourself as funny, be funny in your online dating profile, don't just claim it.
  4. Honesty – There may be a big temptation to embroider the truth or even just make things up. You don't need to, you are interesting and exiting enough as you are. Plus if a relationship does happen then these lies may be hard to cover up and come back to bite you.
  5. Photo – Photos are integral to dating websites, despite other temptations you should pick a good, but honest and fairly recent photo of yourself, doing otherwise will just cause complications later. Let the photo show the kind of person you are, if your sporty why not use a picture of you playing a sport?
  6. Relax – One of the biggest advantages of online dating sites is that there is little pressure. Unlike meeting face to face you don't need to be quick witted or confident to impress. You can take your time in producing an impressive profile that says everything you want about yourself, you can make your perfect first impression.

The online dating world is an exciting one, with a lot of opportunities and if you  follow these tips you should be well on the way to many successful dates.