Emotional Abuse: The Victim and Abuser

MATURE DATING OVER 40 - UK

An emotionally abusive marriage consists of a victim and an abuser. Dr. Phil has something to say to both.

 


The Abuser

• Have you thought about how your actions truly affect your partner? Even when you stop the abuse, the pain continues because you've trampled on your loved one's heart and spirit.
  
• Dr. Phil defines an abuser as both a coward and a bully. You choose to abuse where it is safe, in a place where you feel loved and protected. Would you do it in the workplace where you might get fired or in a social situation where others might get insulted?
  
• You need to understand that respect is commanded, not demanded. If you think degrading and belittling your partner commands respect, you're wrong. You are simply demanding by imposing fear.
  
• All abusers have excuses, says Dr. Phil. While the excuses vary, one principle remains: You are abusing instead of being constructive.
  
• If you want to recover — for yourself and your partner — you need to tell yourself: "I'm not going to take this from me anymore." Sit down with your partner, look into his/her eyes, and apologize for the wounds you've inflicted over time.
  
• Healing is a process. Rescuing your relationship will take patience and persistence.

MATURE DATING OVER 40 - UK

The Victim

• Take responsibility. You have played a role in setting up the relationship this way, and you must play a role in changing it. Telling your partner that the treatment is unacceptable is not enough. Your actions speak louder than words, so you need to make two bold moves: Change your own routine or behavior, and tell your partner you will no longer take the abuse.
  
• Dr. Phil refers to a saying: "There are no victims, only volunteers." Don't go along to get along. Peace at any price is no peace at all.
  
• Relationships are always up for renegotiation. You need to sit down with your partner, look him/her in the eyes, and tell him/her that you are taking a stand. You will not stay in the relationship if the abuse continues. From there, begin to negotiate. Figure out how both of you can take strides to make the marriage work.
  
• Watch yourself to make sure you don't fall back into the victim role. 

Dealing with Control Issues

MATURE DATING OVER 40 - UK

Is control a problem in your relationship?

Start taking responsibility for your actions. It's time to examine how your behavior might enable your controlling partner.

Negotiate boundaries with your spouse — not when you're arguing, but during "peace time." Agree to have a consequence if these boundaries are crossed. For example, if your controlling partner starts to dominate a discussion, call a time-out. Revisit the conversation only when you're ready.

If you're being pushed to your limit every day and you think about giving up, you will someday cave in. Giving up cheats you and your partner if you haven't both made a concerted effort to improve your relationship.

Ask yourself, "What is it costing me to be in this relationship?" If the answer is your dreams, identity, or dignity, the cost is too high.

Controlling people often participate in emotional extortion: "Agree with me, or else...." For the good of your relationship, sometimes it's best to agree to disagree.

Look at all of your options. You don't have to engage in explosive arguments when dealing with a controlling partner. Refuse to participate when your partner is trying to control you.

Suffering in silence isn't love. By not dealing with a controlling partner's behavior, you're only enabling it to continue, and are therefore cheating the relationship. 

 

 MATURE DATING OVER 40 - UK