An emotionally abusive marriage consists of a victim and an abuser. Dr. Phil has something to say to both.
- Have you thought about how your actions truly affect your
partner? Even when you stop the abuse, the pain continues because you've
trampled on your loved one's heart and spirit.
- Dr. Phil defines an abuser as both a coward and a bully. You
choose to abuse where it is safe, in a place where you feel loved and
protected. Would you do it in the workplace where you might get fired or
in a social situation where others might get insulted?
- You need to understand that respect is commanded, not demanded.
If you think degrading and belittling your partner commands respect,
you're wrong. You are simply demanding by imposing fear.
- All abusers have excuses, says Dr. Phil. While the excuses vary,
one principle remains: You are abusing instead of being constructive.
- If you want to recover — for yourself and your partner — you
need to tell yourself: "I'm not going to take this from me anymore." Sit
down with your partner, look into his/her eyes, and apologize for the
wounds you've inflicted over time.
- Healing is a process. Rescuing your relationship will take patience and persistence.
- Take responsibility. You have played a role in setting up the
relationship this way, and you must play a role in changing it. Telling
your partner that the treatment is unacceptable is not enough. Your
actions speak louder than words, so you need to make two bold moves:
Change your own routine or behavior, and tell your partner you will no
longer take the abuse.
- Dr. Phil refers to a saying: "There are no victims, only
volunteers." Don't go along to get along. Peace at any price is no peace
- Relationships are always up for renegotiation. You need to sit
down with your partner, look him/her in the eyes, and tell him/her that
you are taking a stand. You will not stay in the relationship if the
abuse continues. From there, begin to negotiate. Figure out how both of
you can take strides to make the marriage work.
- Watch yourself to make sure you don't fall back into the victim role.